How Winnowill Stole Midwinter
by TheWyldeWynd
Summary: A wacky twist on a beloved classic. Or, why Winnowill should never be crossed with Dr. Suess


_Merry Christmas all! This is a little something I wrote a few years ago, but never quite got around to posting. I hope you all enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!_

_**Disclaimer: **Elfquest belongs to the Pinis, not me. If I owned it Rayek would be the main character, and at least half-a-dozen elves (not counting the entirety of Blue Mountain) would still be alive. Also, no Scouter._

_"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" belongs to that great genius Dr. Suess. _

* * *

><p>Every elf at the Palace liked Midwinter a lot<p>

But Winnowill, who lived nearby in the mountains, did not

She hated Midwinter, the whole of the season

Please don't ask me why, no one quite knows the reason

/

It could've been that she was morally dead

Or perhaps she just wasn't all right in the head

But I think that the most likely reason of all

Was that her heart was twelve sizes too small

/

But whatever reason, her heart or her head

She glared down at the Palace, and wished them all dead

Staring down from her cave, with a sharp Glider-frown

At the warm lighted walls, of the sweet elfie-town

For she knew ever elf, down at the Palace beneath

Was oh-so busy, hanging a Midwinter wreath

/

"_I can't believe tomorrow's Midwinter! It's practically here!"_

_Ugh, I can't stand the happiness, the joy and the cheer!"_

Then she hissed, with her fingers nervously drumming

"_I _have_ to find some way to keep Midwinter from coming!_

_Or else I know for certain, just what will occur_

_Tomorrow night the Wolfriders will cause such a stir! _

_With their yips and their howls, shaking the night_

_I won't sleep a wink and I'll look such a fright!"_

Hands at her ears, she could just hear the noise

"_And that's no good, I like to look hot for my boys!"_

She looked into their cave, where Voll and Rayek sat reading

"_Besides,"_ she hissed, _"I hate them, that's all the reason I'm needing."_

_/_

And the more Winnowill thought of her enemies' grand clatter

The more she decided, _"Not if I have a say in the matter!_

_Why for three full eights, I've put up with it now_

_I must stop Midwinter from coming_

…_But how?"_

_/_

Then she got an idea

An awful idea

Winno-wicked got a wonderful, awful idea

"_Oh I know what to do,"_ she laughed in her throat

"_I'll make a quick Santy Claws hat and a coat!"_

She chuckled and clucked, _"This will make them wish they weren't born!_

_Why with a hat and this coat, I'll look just like Timmorn!"_

_/_

**You're a mean one, Winnowill**

**You're as fun as a boil **

**You're as cuddly as a shapechanged, you're as charming as Madcoil**

**Winnowill**

**You're a bad dreamberry, with lots of greasy black seeds**

**You're a monster, Winnowill**

**Your heart's an empty hole**

**Your brain is full of plots and you've got evil in your soul**

**Winnowill**

**I wouldn't touch you to shove you down a… fifty-five and a half foot hole**

"_Now all I need is a reindeer!"_ Winnowill looked around

Of course since they're scarce, there were none to be found

But did that stop the crazy? It did not, I fear

"_I'll just make one myself! Hey, Tenspan! Over here!"_

So she took Voll's mount, and she took some black thread

And she tied a great horn on the top of his head

Then she loaded some bags and some sacks, on an old shaky sleigh

And she whistled for Tenspan, _"Come on birdy, away!"_

And the sleigh started down, and the speed did grow

Down to where the elfies snoozed, in their Palace below

/

The walls were now dark, no one knew she was there

All the elves were dreaming sweet dreams without care

She moved quick and quite, leaving no trace

'Til she came to the first little room in the place

"This is the first stop!" she gleefully hissed

As she slipped in black-snake-like, empty bags in her fist

She glanced at the Sun-villagers asleep in their beds

And then grinned at the stockings that hung over their head

'These stockings,' she thought, 'are the first thing to go!'

Then she slithered and slunk, in a way so unpleasant

And with quick grabby fingers, stole every last present

And she stuffed them in bags and with flourish galore

She slipped every bag out of the door

/

**You're a vile one, Winnowill**

**You always steal the fun**

**You have of the tender sweetness, of old Grohmul Djunn**

**Winnowill**

**Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take**

**The old Djunn himself **

**You're a rotter, Winnowill**

**You're the queen, of sinful sots**

**Your heart's an old troll wart, with horrid yellow spots**

**Winnowill**

**You're a three-decker puckernut and itchleaf sandwich, with human alcohol sauce**

Then she slunk to the store-room, and she took the elves' feast!

She snatched up the dreamberries, she pilfered the raw meat!

She cleaned out the store-room, as quick as a flash

Why that Winnowill even took the last can of SunVillage Hash™

Then she stuffed all the food out the door with glee

"_Now,"_ grinned Winnowill, _"I will stuff out the tree!"_

And as she pushed, and as she shoved

She heard a small noise, like the coo of a dove

She turned around fast, and she saw a small elf dressed in fluff

"_Why Santy Claws?"_ chirped the girl, _"Why are you taking our stuff?"_

But you know, that Winnowill was so smart and so slick

That she thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick

"_Why my sweet tot,"_ the fake Santy Claws lied,

"_all of the tree leaves are falling off of one side._

_So I'm getting rid of it for you my sweet little dear,_

_then I'll go get a new one, and I'll bring it back here."_

And her fib fooled the lass, and she patted her head

And she magiced her up and sent her to bed

And when the darling was in bed and out cold

She slunk back and shoved the tree out the threshold

The she went out the door herself, the dirty liar

And the last thing she took, was the log for their fire

And the one bit of food that she left in the place

Was a crumb far too small, to even have taste

Then she did the same thing, to the other elf homes

Taking everything in sight, every gift, every coal

/

**You nauseate me, Winnowill**

**You're the meanest on the block**

**You're a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive all into shock**

**Winnowill**

**Your soul is a dung heap, overflowing with every sort of horrible trash imaginable**

**Mangled up, in tangled up knots**

**You're a foul one, Winnowill**

**You're a nasty, stinking skunk**

**You're a golem filled with unwashed socks, your soul is made of gunk**

**Winnowill**

**The three words that best describe you, are as follows and I quote:**

"**Lich. Witch. Bitch!"**

It was a quarter to dawn, all the elves still abed

When she took all their things, and put them onto her sled

Ten thousand feet up, up the side of Blue Mountain

She rose with her load, gleefully spoutin'

"_I did it!"_ she cried, _"It's finally done!_

_The Pinis worked against me but at last, I HAVE WON!_

_In your face Cutter!" _she was wickedly humming

"_Victory's mine, and it's been a long time coming! _

_No Midwinter for you, your archer, or your mate_

_I win and you lose, oh turn-about's great!" _

Any moment now, their cries would be clear

She grinned, _"That's a noise that I simply must hear!"_

She paused, and put a hand to her ear

And she did hear a sound, sharp and clear

"_Lifemate?"_ a voice chilled her, _"What did you do?"_

Eyes wide she turned, and saw Voll, and Rayek too

/

"_Oh, hello boys."_ She forced a quick grin

"_I thought you were reading, with cocoa within."_

Her boys set their mouths, their eyes quite apprehensive

"_Win, are those our neighbors presents, and don't get defensive."_

The looks in their eyes, and the tone in Voll's voice

Well it just set her off, she just had no choice

"_The Wolfriders defied me and for that they must pay!"_

Rayek winced and sighed, _"Babe, what did the councilor say."_

"_Oh come on!" _she cried,_ "You hear them each year!_

_With their noise, and their joy, and their complete lack of fear!"_

Sighing in worry, Voll rubbed at his head

It looked as though they wouldn't soon be warm in bed

"_Darling please, let it go! You don't need to care!"_

"_Besides,"_ Rayek ventured, _"they're getting armed down there."_

A glance over the edge, confirmed what he said

The Wolfriders had gathered below, unhappy and unfed

After a minute she sighed, _"Fine, I don't care._

_Let them have their Midwinter, just keep them out of my ears and my hair!"_

And so quite quickly, Voll righted the wrong

Rayek stayed with Winnowill, he and Cutter still didn't get along

And as dusk fell, and a clamor arose

Winnowill seethed, from her head to her toes

"_All of that work, and still I must lose!_

_What the hell is this, oh High Ones my ears are starting to bruise!"_

And as she raged on, her boys slipped behind

Both baring smiles, and a box wrapped in twine

"_Win,"_ they cajoled, _"We've got something for you."_

"_I don't care what- … are those… earplugs? Oh boys I knew I loved you two!"_

And as Midwinter ended, to the tune of the Wolfrider choir

Winnowill and her boys curled up by the fire

And as she lay snug, some people say

Her heart grew half a size that day


End file.
